Someone is Mocking Us
by Hsumi
Summary: A 'what if' scenario involving two siblings, a flying squirrel, a very confused Mundus, and a revised version of the original Devil May Cry. Poor Ed, why do they keep mistaking you for someone else?


(A/N: Just to forewarn you, this isn't your typical DMC Fanfiction. I wrote halfway to poke fun at DMC in general, and halfway as a what-if scenario. The what-if being: What if two teenagers ended up on Mallet Island instead of Dante. This is basically a re-write of the original Devil May Cry, but with original characters.)

"Waaaaah! I'm scared! I want outta here! I wish all the stupid monsters would leave us alone!" A sixteen-year-old girl wailed from her position on the floor. She had a baggy, blue sweater, black shorts, shoulder-length, straight brown hair, tennis shoes, brown eyes, and a shotgun on her back, and was currently sitting on the floor, screaming her lungs out.

"Shut up, sis!" said an older boy, about eighteen. He was inspecting a strange glyph on the wall with twelve points on it, like a clock. He was albino, with short, wispy white hair that was combed neatly, red eyes, and pale skin. He wore baggy blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and a long, crimson coat. On his back was a sword that looked like it had been snatched from the smithy of the damned; large, red, and menacing. "I'm trying to figure out how to work this thing. It's obviously a puzzle." The girl continued her incessant wailing, and a vein nearly popped in the elder boy's forehead.

"Forget this!" He yelled, frustrated. He took the sword off his back and rammed it into the wall. The twelve points lit up in a blue blaze and the sword flew out of the wall, landing next to the boy, and the floor in front of the glyph collapsed. The boy seemed perplexed. "Huh. That worked better than I thought. Hey, Mary, I got it open." He turned back to his sister, who stopped yelling immediately.

"What? That's it? What a lame puzzle." She looked down the dark passage, and shivers ran up her spine. "Err, you first, Ed." The boy, 'Ed', rolled his eyes and started to jump.

A loud shriek rang out and a mannequin with two curved blades dropped from the ceiling. Mary let out a scream, the puppet swung a blade down at her, and then—

Oh! Excuse me, I didn't notice you there. My name- or rather, what some call me, is the Narrator. I tell tales of brave heroes and cunning villains, of knights and damsels, of chivalric deeds and villainous plots. But the story I am relaying to you today is one set in the very present now, and the heroes of this tale are neither chivalric, nor brave. At least, one of them isn't. How, do you ask, is it that Ed and Mary ended up this predicament? Well, being the Narrator, it is my duty to tell you these things, and tell you I shall. It all started about, oh, say, five hours ago…

"You should really throw away that tattered coat, Ed. You look like a homeless bum." Said Mary from her reclining position on the blue sofa. Her brother, Ed, was leaning over the back of the couch she was sitting in, looking for something. He stared at her for a second with his crimson eyes, then resumed searching. "What are you looking for, anyway?"

He scratched the back of his head in confusion. "You wouldn't happen to know where Sai is, would you?"

Mary stared blankly for a few seconds. "Sai?" Ed nodded.

"My squirrel, Sai. Have you seen him?"

Ed had a new pet every week, and Mary had a hard time keeping up with their names. Two weeks ago it was a snake, which disappeared after three days. Last week it was a rat, which found the snake and was never heard from again. This week it was a flying squirrel. Mary didn't know where he got a flying squirrel, and wasn't sure she wanted to.

"Maybe your snake found him." She said with a shrug.

"No, that can't be it. We found that snake and gave it back to the pet store." He said thoughtfully. His poor coat really was in a considerable state of disrepair, but he refused to throw it away because he had had it for as long as he could remember, and couldn't begin to imagine life without his precious coat. Mary swore he even slept in it.

A piercing sound like a mix between grinding metal and a car alarm rang out and Ed found himself with a face full of squirrel fur. Said rodent was clinging to his face in its interpretation of the perfect landing for a long glide from the top of a bookshelf.

Mary couldn't stifle the laughter that burst from her mouth. If he didn't have a squirrel attached to his face, Ed would have glared at her. Sai scampered onto the top of Ed's head and sat there, chattering contentedly.

"…leading police to believe that these attacks are in some way connected." The two siblings looked at the illuminated T.V. screen, where a news bulletin was being broadcasted. There had been an outbreak of strange attacks lately, and the weapons involved had yet to be identified. The scary part was that each attack was closer to their home every time.

"That's really unnerving." Mary said quietly. Ed nodded in agreement. Suddenly, the ground rumbled and the sky outside turned blood red. The two rushed to the window and saw the strangest-looking storm they had ever seen. Everything was bathed in a strange liquid that looked like blood, and pouring from the sky was a rain of blood. Mannequin-like creature lurked about, slaughtering anything that moved.

"Wh-what the hell's going on!" Mary managed to shout. The ground lurched again, and the roof of their house was torn off by a bloody tornado. Sai scurried into Ed's coat with a screech.

"Sis!" Ed grabbed his sister's waist with one arm, and an exposed pipe with the other, trying to keep them from being swept away into the bloody vortex. In the end, his efforts were futile, and they were both sucked into the twister.

Not a pleasant start to an adventure, let me tell you.

Now, when Ed awoke, both he and his sister were in the middle of the ocean, floating on a piece of wood that looked suspiciously like a piece of their roof. It was foggy and nearly impossible to see anything farther than five feet. Ed shook his sister's shoulders in attempt to wake her. She groaned and opened her eyes slowly.

"Hey, sis, are you okay?" She managed to pull herself into a sitting position with some difficulty.

"My head hurts." He complained. Then, noticing her surroundings, "Where are we?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. Last thing I remember was getting sucked into that tornado." Sai chose that moment to fly out of Ed's coat and land on Mary's face, little hearts seeming to appear in his eyes. Mary grabbed the rodent by the skin on the back of his neck, pried him off her face, and glared at the squirrel. She dropped him when the piece of wood they were sitting on gave a violent lurch. They had landed on a beach. Ed stepped off the piece of roof and Sai ran up his leg and hid in his coat again. Mary stood up and, hiding behind her brother, let out a nervous squeak.

"Um, what's going on?" She asked nervously. The beach was foggy as well, and visibility was very limited. Ed walked forward a few steps and nearly tripped over something on the ground. Mary shrieked at what her brother had stumbled upon. Half buried in the sand was a skeleton clutching a shotgun in a holster. The bones looked like they had been gnawed on, and some were broken. Ed reached down and pulled the shotgun and holster out of the body's grasp, examined them, then threw them to his sister, who almost dropped it out of fear.

"Wh-what do you want me to do with _this_?" she hissed.

Ed shrugged. "I don't know. But judging by the teeth marks on that guy, I'd say you should use it if we came across anything dangerous. It still works, I checked."

She gaped at him. "Why can't _you_ use it!"

"I already have something to protect myself with." He pulled a dagger out of his coat pocket and showed it to her.

"Where'd you get that?" She asked cautiously.

"Bought it a couple days ago." He laughed. He started walking up the beach and waved for her to follow. She put the holster on, allowing the gun to rest on her back and followed him.

"Where are we going, anyway?" Mary asked, out of curiosity.

"We're going to look for other people to see where we are. And, if possible, look for a way home."

After what seemed like an hour, some semblance of hope appeared from the mist. A castle loomed atop a hill, and a path led to a wall with a hole large enough to walk through. The two hurried through and came upon a large room with a staircase, a statue of a knight on a horse, and a statue of a god with a blue flame in its hand. A few more steps and Mary started giggling hysterically.

"Well, no one home! Come on, let's go back!" She turned around to go back out the opening, and found it gone. "What? But, we just came in this way, and!" She banged a fist on the wall. "Something seriously weird is going on!"

Ed walked to the center of the room and looked around. There were two doors, a red one, and a blue one. Both looked equally uninviting. Mary came back in hysterics, babbling to herself and fidgeting with her hands. Ed saw something gleaming on the above floor that could be accessed by the staircase and went to investigate, leaving Mary babbling on the floor in the middle of the room.

What he found was a stone sculpture holding an evil-looking sword. There was something about that sword that drew him to it. It was overly large, red, and seemed to have a life of its own. He touched the steel and a surge of energy shot through his body. He immediately grabbed hold of the handle and tried to pry it out of its stone prison. When this failed, he braced his booted foot against the stone and tried again. With a crack of stone, he pulled the weapon free. It was warm and comfortable in his grasp, and he swung it experimentally a few times. The fact that he shouldn't have been able to lift it at all never even crossed his mind. He happily placed it on his back like he had seen in movies and, for some reason, it stayed there like a sock on a sweater right out of the dryer.

No sooner had he done so, than a shriek followed by a loud bang erupted from below. Ed rushed to the railing of the balcony and leaned over it to see Mary on the floor with the shotgun in her hands, smoke wafting from the barrel, and one of the puppets they had seen on the street lying motionless in a pool of its own blood.

"Nice shot!" Ed cheered. Mary looked up at him with fear in her face, lip quivering, and nodded nervously. Ed vaulted over the railing and offered his hand to help her up. "We may as well explore this place, if nothing else, we might find an exit." She nodded and, taking his hand, stood up.

Ed inspected the blue door first, and found it to be locked. "Well, let's hope the red one's open." It was, and inside, they found a spiral staircase to the left, and what looked like a prison cell door in front of them. The siblings climbed the staircase, which opened to a room with a bookshelf with a hole in the ceiling above it, and a mannequin in the corner. Mary squeaked and fumbled with the shotgun, but Ed stopped her.

"This one's not moving. Stay here, I'm going up there." He pointed at the hole in the ceiling. "If it's safe, I'll help you up." She nodded and Ed jumped up, caught the ledge, and pulled himself up.

Mary noticed something about her brother then, aside from the spiffy new sword he somehow acquired, he was more agile now. There was no point in his life, that she could recall, that Ed could fall fifteen feet and walk away like nothing had happened, or that he could jump that height either. In fact, she wasn't sure if that was even humanly possible. There was something definitely strange going on, and she aimed to find out what.

"It's a dead end up here, but I found a key that might fit the door downstairs." Her brother said, his head poking out of the hole. "Hang on, I'll be down in a sec. Wha- What the!"

The clang of metal striking metal rang out above Mary. "Ed? What's going on up there?" If he had answered her, she didn't hear his response, for the mannequin in the room she was in suddenly sprang to life and began ambling in her direction. She blasted it with the shotgun, and it fell back on the ground. However, it somehow stood back up. Mary fumbled with the trigger, but before she could let loose another bullet, the puppet fell in two before her eyes. Standing in front of her was her brother, sword in front of him, and a serious expression on his face. For a split second, she almost didn't recognize him.

There was only one other time Mary remembered ever seeing Ed with that look. When they were little kids, some bullies were picking on her. Ed burst into the group and beat them up, that same expression on his face. "Remember this next time you decide to pick on _my _sister!" he had said.

"Mary," His voice snapped her out of the thoughts, and she blinked back to reality. "Are you okay?"

"Mm-hm." she nodded. "Let's go check out the blue door now."

They walked in silence to the blue door, and thankfully, weren't attacked by any more puppets. Also, the key Ed had found was apparently the correct one for this door. They stepped through and came upon a room with more mannequins hanging from the ceiling and a plane in the middle. In the corner of this room was a glyph with twelve points on it, like a clock. Mary couldn't take it any more. She collapsed to the floor.

"Waaaaah! I'm scared! I want outta here! I wish all the stupid monsters would leave us alone!" She yelled from her position on the floor.

"Shut up, sis!" said Ed, inspecting a the glyph on the wall. "I'm trying to figure out how to work this thing. It's obviously a puzzle." Mary continued her incessant wailing, and a vein nearly popped in her brother's forehead.

"Forget this!" He yelled, frustrated. He took the sword off his back and rammed it into the wall. The twelve points lit up in a blue blaze and the sword flew out of the wall, landing next to him, and the floor in front of the glyph collapsed. He seemed perplexed. "Huh. That worked better than I thought. Hey, Mary, I got it open." He turned back to his sister, who stopped yelling immediately.

"What? That's it? What a lame puzzle." She looked down the dark passage, and shivers ran up her spine. "Err, you first, Ed." Ed rolled his eyes and was about to jump, when a loud shriek rang out and one of the mannequins dropped from the ceiling. Mary let out a scream, the puppet swung a blade down at her, and then—

So now you know how things got to where they are. I guess I'll step aside and let you see what happens next then.

The mannequin let out a howl of pain as Ed sliced it in two.

"These things are really getting annoying, don't you think?" He said with a grin. Mary followed her brother down the passage, and they found themselves in a round room with iron doors on the walls, and more puppets hanging from the ceiling. Other than that, it was empty.

"I don't like the looks of this. Sis, you stay near the wall and give me cover fire. And try not to hit me!" He added the last part quickly. Mary did as she was told and readied the shotgun. Ed ran into the middle of the room and the puppets fell to the ground, all intent on ripping him to shreds. He took out a few with a single swing, and Mary provided cover fire. Sai even landed on one puppet's face that was about to attack Ed, throwing it off balance so Ed could slash it. When the ones in the middle were gone, the iron doors opened up, and more ambled out of those. Mary did her best to shoot as many as possible, but in the end Ed still took out more. The doors closed and silence was restored.

"So, what now?" Mary asked. Ed went back to the passage the had used to get down there and stood on a platform that was under the opening. As soon as Mary stepped on, it lifted them back into the room with the plane. The other mannequins were very alive now, and attacked them. Ed and Mary made short work of them, and then a door that neither of them had noticed before opened.

"Well?" Mary looked at her brother.

"Since we don't have anywhere else we can go right now, we may as well go forward." he shrugged and walked through the doorway. After a few hesitant seconds, Mary followed him, one question burning in her mind:

"Why does it feel like I'm stuck in a videogame?"

(A/N: Yes, Ed is supposed to be pretty much a clone of Dante, but with red eyes and a different personality.)


End file.
